Can You Really Be Friends With Your Ex After Breaking Up?
Becoming a couple puts two people closer together than anything else in the world. But what happens when the romance ends, and you break up? Can you still remain friends with your ex after going off in different directions? Or do you need to cut this person from your life completely?
Flirtation, attraction, desire, intimacy, love... and then friendship? Does that make any sense?
Probably not, especially if you've ever asked the question "Can I be friends with my ex?" Because no matter what happened between you in the past, any future you have together can't possibly involve a platonic friendship... not for any length of time, at least.
The upside of staying friends with an exboyfriend or exgirlfriend are many, but they're all temporary blessings. At first, you still get to talk to and even hang out with the person that you dated. This is especially appealing for those who weren't ready for their relationship to end, and still hope to somehow win back their ex boyfriend or girlfriend. By staying friends with them, they're logically thinking that it will help their chances of convincing them to give things another shot.
And since you're trying out the possibility of being friends with your ex, you don't have to let go of that person all at once. Gradual detachment is a very attractive thing when you're talking about losing someone you've just spent a whole lot of time with. Many couples talk, text, or see each other on a daily basis. Losing someone that close to you all at once can really hurt, which is why staying friendly after breaking up can help soften that blow.
Yet there are some real downsides to being in an ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend friendship. Some of them include the following:
Being Jealous of Your Ex
Whenever your ex moves on with his or her life, you're always going to wonder what that life would've been like had you remained together. As your ex succeeds in dating someone else, you may feel like you weren't good enough to be that person. Jealousy over your ex's new lovelife may cause bitterness on your part. These are natural human emotions, and it's hard to suppress them just for the sake of friendship. Watching your ex date, kiss, and be with other people can really tear you up inside, and you'll end up keeping these emotions in check for the sake of the friendship.
Feeling As If You Were the "Loser" of the Break Up
There's no such thing as a mutual breakup, no matter how many people try to sell you that line. In every single case, someone is going to always feel at least slightly rejected. Even if you feel like the break up was good for you, the rejection associated with it is not. This will translate into more bitterness toward your ex. Before asking can I be friends with my ex, ask yourself if you're still totally okay with the way your breakup went... and whether or not you still have unresolved feelings for that person.
You Can Never Be Honest With Your Ex
If you're on the receiving end of the break up, sharing your life with your ex boyfriend or girlfriend will be extremely hard. You'll want to pump up every success and make it sound as if you're doing just great without this person, simply to raise your level of comfort. Because of this, you'll never really be able to have an honest conversation. You can always confide in friends, especially through bad times... but in the case of an ex boyfriend or girlfriend this type of honest communication just can't exist. You'll be too busy showing your ex that you're not wounded or damaged.
You Can't Be Happy For Your Ex
No matter what your ex boyfriend or girlfriend goes on to do in life, you'll have a hard time being happy for them as a good friend should. It's not that you'll wish bad things upon them, but as a consequence of breaking up with you you're always going to want them to be less successful. These type of jealous feelings are not good for a friendship, and over time you'll spend more and more time pretending and less and less time actually caring for this person you were once so close to. Your ex's happiness will be like poison to you, simply because you're not a part of their romantic life.
Eventually You'll Want Your Ex Back
In almost every case where people become friends after breaking up, the one who had their heart broken will fantasize about the return of the romance. If this is you, you shouldn't even be bothering with the issue of can I be friends with my ex. What you want here is a relationship or romance - not a friendship with this person. Jumping into a friend-type role is nothing more than your way of trying to stay within your ex's line of sight... a goal that isn't really going to get you where you want to be. In fact, the more removed you can be from your ex's field of vision, the more that person will start to miss you. Wanting to get back together with your exboyfriend or exgirlfriend is an acceptable goal, but friendship is certainly not the way to do it.
Are you trying to be friends in the hopes of winning your ex's heart again? If so, there are better ways of doing it. Instead of locking yourself in a platonic prison from which you can't possibly get your ex back, you should be dealing with your feelings in a more honest way.
There are techniques for reinserting yourself in your ex's life in a more romantic aspect instead of a buddy role. There are also methods you can use to get your ex thinking about you again, and even wanting to be with you. These moves are actually easier than you think, when you apply them with an honest approach.
